It is New Year’s Day, the dawn of a new year in America and I couldn’t be happier. Let’s start off with a personal announcement: after a long and torturous breakup with my high school sweetheart, Mindy Sue, that dragged along in the background through much of 2014 and 2015, I’ve finally moved on and landed a smokin’ hot new all-American babe, Krystal Lee. Below is a photo we had our friend Shylene who is a photographer for Glamour Shots take because, ouch! Sizzle, sizzle! Given today’s difficult ultra-feminist environment I felt it important to give credit where credit is due before I go on about her womanly flaws, hidden though they may be—so that was a moment to celebrate and appreciate the things she does right. Many (too many, if you ask me) women these days hate “the patriarchy” and strive to feel appreciated, so giving credit is beyond important in a healthy partnership—unless you want to experience a long and torturous breakup that lasts for two years, and believe me, you don’t want that. You want the sizzle!
For our first New Year’s Eve together, Krystal Lee and I decided to throw a party at the trailer park where her parents live. This would be a great chance to get to know each other’s friends and family, we thought.
Krystal Lee’s friend Jeremy hit on me at the party. He thought I looked like something he called a “bear,” which he finds sexy. I was completely shocked because I don’t for one second believe myself to look gay. Instead I find myself sexy in an undeniable way, but a way that attracts similarly sexy females. But more than that, I had no idea that Krystal Lee has a gay friend. So along with Krystal Lee’s idea of reducing “the patriarchy,” this is something I’ll need to work on getting used to in 2016.
But perhaps the biggest shock of this New year’s Eve 2015 was learning that Krystal Lee can’t cook. Not even eggs. Any American man who may find himself in a similar situation, you have my sympathies. I’m going to share with you here what I did to correct it. It’s a simple trick and one that I’m sure any American male with a woman who can’t cook can pull off.
The trick is to put your woman on “condiment duty.” It’s genuis. Allow me to explain. Every American meal contains at least one of these: burgers or hot dogs. And usually burgers and hot dogs are grilled by a man (in this case, it was me), whether outside on a manly grill the size of a Bently or inside on a grill pan. And given that, there will most certinly be a need for ketchup, mustard and/or relish. That’s where your woman who can’t cook comes in. Krystal Lee and I collaborated to create a “Condiment Kween” body-hugging tank a’la Hooters for her to wear while on “condiment duty.” And since the winters are warmer here in Texas, this worked out exceptionally well.
Krystal Lee donned the tank and instantly morphed into everyone’s own personal “Condiment Kween” for the evening. Complete with a holster to carry the condiments, Krystal Lee was tasked with walking around and sexily unholstering the ketchup, mustard and/or relish and then, with a cute little smile, squirting them onto everyone’s burgers and hot dogs.
Did it work?
Like a charm!